Deidara's Pets
by Miyuki-ice-fox
Summary: Deidara seemed to always over feed his pets and this always causes trouble for the Akatsuki. Warning: This story contains extremly long pet names, a clueless Deidara, a perverted Hidan, overly large pets, and an alternate timeline!
1. Kitten

A young Deidara smiled as he filled a giant metal dog dish to the brim with cat food. He hummed as he placed it in front of a small orange tabby kitten. As the kitten ate the blond stroked its fur.

"Lord Orangepuff von Deidara-is-awesome-and-better-than-Itachi of the Akatsuki I will be gone for an hour. I'm giving you twenty-seven bowls of food so you don't starve while I'm away." Deidara said before placing a kiss to Lord Orangepuff von Deidara-is-awesome-and-better-than-Itachi of the Akatsuki's head. "Love you and be back in a bit. Remember to stay away from Itachi and Hidan." The blond warned as he left the tabby kitten alone with his twenty-seven bowls of food.

* * *

Hidan growled as he slammed the fridge door shut, the machine rocked back and forth before settling down. The Jashinist was pissed beyond belief. Why? Because there was no more frozen pizza left. Hidan knew it had to be Kakuzu, no one else would eat anything that Hidan put in a container and wrote 'Hidan's...bitch~!' all over it. An evil, cruel smile took over his lips as a large shadow was cast over him.

"Kakuzu, I'm going to-" Hidan's sentence died as he faced the owner of the large shadow, at it certainly wasn't Kakuzu.

* * *

"Lord Orangepuff von Deidara-is-awesome-and-better-than-Itachi of the Akatsuki where are you?" Deidara half called and half sang for his kitten. The blond searched high and low for the tabby with no luck. It was only when the young man entered the kitchen did he find his 'little' kitten, and a very scared Akatsuki.

"Deidara!" Pein yelled, battling the seven foot tall cat off with a stick, who was just trying to play with it. "Call your cat off! He already ate Hidan!" At hearing his master's name Lord Orangepuff...you know the rest of his name by now, backed down and purred as he rubbed up against Deidara.

"I haven't been fucking eaten!" Hidan's voice yelled from inside the trash can, which was shaking in fear of the monster cat. The Akatsuki was silent for a period of time before Pein spoke up, using his alpha voice.

"Deidara, you cat has gotten too big for-"

"No! He's just a baby!" Deidara cried as he latched onto Lord Orangepuff. Konan, being the voice of reason and understanding, stepped forward with a soft smile.

"Yes, he's just baby but Pein is right. Orangepuff is too big. He can stay but he has to go outside."

* * *

Let's just say Lord Orangepuff von Deidara-is-awesome-and-better-than-Itachi of the Akatsuki thinned out the giant rodent population near the main base, Hidan was now scared of cats, and all was well...until Deidara took in some puppies.


	2. Puppies

"Aw, I love my puppies!" Deidara said as he was tackled by three identical black puppies, who were now bathing their owner. "Okay, Deidara needs to prepare for his mission tomorrow, so I'm leaving you three with this." The blond Akatsuki member opened the kitchen door. In the middle of the kitchen was three large metal bins filled to the brim with ground beef. "Remember to share Queen Achy Breaky Heart, Lady Darkside of the Moon, and Fluffy of the Akatsuki. I'll be back shortly."

* * *

Hidan peaked into Deidara's room, noticing the blond on his bed with his back to the door. Skullcandy headphones covered his ears with music blasting from them. A perverted smile formed on the pale man's lips as he calmly entered the room. Just as he was about to grab the blond a low growl filled the room.

"What the fuck?" Hidan asked as he turned and looked up. He was face to face with a massive black dog with three heads, and all their eyes were on him. All it took was one glance at their three sets of barred teeth to know he was in major trouble for thinking of touching their dad.

* * *

Oddly enough, Deidara didn't hear any of Hidan's screams nor understand why he was so scared of dogs. Pein had to find a new base for the Akatsuki since the combined form of Queen Achy Breaky Heart, Lady Darkside of the Moon, and Fluffy of the Akatsuki took over. Our blond terrorist was banned from having any type of mammal pet, but that didn't stop him from getting another pet. The newest one being a goldfish.


	3. Goldfish

Deidara smiled as he watched the goldfish named Goldscale von Itachi-bows-to-Deidara of the Akatsuki swim in Hidan's bathtub, of course Hidan didn't know about his new roommate yet. The once tiny fish used to be able to fit in a glass then a fish bowl which got upgraded to a tank then found its way into a large bathtub. "I think Hidan will like you." Deidara said as he petted the smooth scales of the overly large goldfish. "But if he tries to eat you then you can eat him." Bubbles came from Goldscale von Itachi-bows-to-Deidara of the Akatsuki's mouth as if he was answering his owner. The blond smiled as he stood. "I'll be back with your rubber duck." More bubbles answered him before the terrorist left to get his goldfish's toy.

Poor Hidan entered his room shortly after Deidara left. He stripped out of his clothing as he walked into the bathroom. The Jashinist turned on his shower, only turning it off when he noticed the tub already filled, but not noticing the fish in the water. "How nice, must have been Deidara." He drooled a little at the thought of 'thanking' the blond. Just as Hidan stepped in and was about to sit down he felt something scaly rub against his leg. "What the fuck?" Before he could turn to see what it was Hidan felt something sharp dig into his rear. Needless to say, the scream that fallowed shook the entire hideout.

There's a reason no one swims in the large lake near the Akatsuki hideout except Deidara. It's the same reason Hidan doesn't take baths anymore.

* * *

**AN: Hidan still take showers, don't worry!**


	4. Piranha

"Umm...I think I overfed you a wee too much." Deidara admitted as he looked at the bull shark sized piranha. Mistress Katie bites-people von Deidara-kicks-Itachi's-ass of the Akatsuki simply blinked from inside Hidan's bathtub. "What am I going to do? Lord Orangepuff von Deidara-is-awesome-and-better-than-Itachi of the Akatsuki is in the old woods, Queen Achy Breaky Heat, Lady Darkside of the Moon, and Fluffy of the Akatsuki took over the old hideout, and Goldscale von Itachi-bows-to-Deidara is in the pond and I have a feeling you two won't get along..." The blond paused in thought, not noticing the evil piranha smirk on Mistress Katie bites-people von Deidara-kicks-Itachi's-ass of the Akatsuki's face.

"In you go girl." Deidara said, lowing the large piranha down into the river surrounding the hideout with extreme ease. He watched the silver chested piranha swim away and when the blond terrorist turned to return to base he smacked into Hidan's bare chest.

"Well Deidara," The Jashinist purred as he grabbed Deidara by his wrist and waist. "I've been looking for you an imagine that when I find you you're all alone." Deidara's blue eye went wide with fear and his body shook, so he screamed...loudly.

"**KATIE!**" Hidan froze in ear, thinking one of Deidara's oversized pets would charge at him. When nothing came the Jashinist went back to his prey. Suddenly a large wave of water washed over them and Hidan screamed in horror when the water receded. Deidara was swimming in the river with Mistress Katie bites-people von Deidara-kicks-Itachi's-ass of the Akatsuki swimming protectively around him. That and Hidan was missing both his arms and they ended up in a tree, o the other side of the river.

Never again did Hidan try to molest Deidara near the river, heck he staid as far away as he could from it.


	5. Shark

Deidara smiled at the baby shark in his fish tank. He softly hummed to himself as he went to his closest to get a notepad. He still needed to name his newest pet, but he couldn't do that without his naming notebook and pen. "Where is my pen?" The blond asked while he thought about where it could be. "Oh! In the laundry room! I'll be back soon with your name." Deidara said kissing the glass before rushing out of the room. Little did he know but a certain Uchiha would spy the shark passing Deidara's room, and he thought that the shark was just too cute. So Itachi stole it.

"This is Kisame, our newest member." Pein said broadly as he mentioned to Itachi's new partner. Deidara's eyebrows furrowed as he stared intensely at the blue skinned shark-like member. He looked so much like his poor stolen shark. The terrorist sighed, maybe pets weren't his thing... maybe he should get a plant.


	6. Venus Fly Trap

Deidara laughed as he tenderly stroke the venus fly trap with his index finger. In returned the plant named Zetsu rubbed happily against his finger, letting out an almost purring sound. The terrorist should have gotten a plant long ago, especially if they were this loving. Not that he didn't love his other pets, he loved them all. A crooning sound came from Zetsu as his leaves pointed to his mouth then rubbed his stem. The blond smiled and rubbed the fly trap one more time before leaving so he could get food for his newest pet.

To our clueless blond terrorist he saw nothing wrong with feeding his Zetsu with twenty pounds of raw ground beef and a pack of bacon, raw.

A yawn signaled Deidara's waking. He rubbed the sleep from his blue eye before rolling over and hugging closer to the large warm body in bed with his. Blond eyebrows furrowed for a moment before Deidara opened his eye and looked at his cuddle buddy. His mouth opened in pure shock and his eye went wide, not believing the sight before him. A loud banging at his door stirred Deidara from staring at the man who joined him. With great reluctance the blond tore himself from the gorgeous man to the door.

"Yea-" His sentence died as he found himself pulled tightly to Hidan in a painful grip.

"I'm sick of not being able to have you! Now that you have no more annoying pets I can-"

"**ZETSU!**" Deidara yelled in fear and panic. Hidan laughed cruelly as he leered down at the blond.

"you think your plant will save y-" Fortunately, the Jashinist over looked the fact that the plant was a venus fly trap, and Deidara over feeds his pets. Hidan found himself going through the wall and through the next, rolling in the field before falling into the pond. HE soon shot up out of the pond, Goldscale von Itachi-bows-to-Deidara of the Akatsuki snapping at his fleeing form. Pein poked his head out of the hole, which just happened to go through the bathroom. He blinked then continued to brush his teeth as if nothing happened.

"No one touches Deidara." The humanoid Zetsu growled as he held his owner close, glaring out the hole in the base. Deidara grinned stupidly up at his plant. Maybe over feeding his pets wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Never after that point in time did Hidan try to even come close to Deidara for fear of Zetsu and all his other pets. After all, Deidara's pets absolutely love their owner, and hate Hidan's guts.


End file.
